Jetters Abridged - Episode 4 (script)
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing. Script *Bulge Bomb* *Arm comes out of bulge, feeds Mujoe a potato chip. Pauses. Title* Mujoe: Ah. Salt ‘n’ Vinegar *Episode opens with stock picture of a junkyard. Muffled explosion. Slowly pan in, fade in to Shiro and Shout standing up in wreckage* Shout and Shiro: *Pained groaning* Shiro: …Well clearly I can’t build a shelf. Shout: *Worn out* Shiro, why is it whenever you move, you put us deeper into the red? Shiro: It’s my favorite color… Twister: Honey, I can’t remember, can we afford to turn on the TV? Shout: *In the distance* Only way to keep us warm, Dad. Anchor: Later tonight, we’ll answer the question of what the fuck I am. But now a special report from Arnold- *Arnold takes over screen* AAAAGH! Arnold: Welcome back to our continuing series: Worker’s Comp Nightmares. I have a mole. Mole: Dig it! Arnold: So Mole, what’s the secret to your lack of success? Mole: Well, I like to work my employees for many hours, with little pay and few breaks, until there is nothing left but a bloody mess. Then I use the blood as lubricant for the machines. Arnold: Wow. Now that’s what I call totally fucked up. Mole: Now listen up, all you homeless motherfuckers! Shiro: Yes sir. Mole: Are you tired of working in filth and squalor? Then come work in my filth and squalor! Employees will be compensated in cash and my planet’s finest coal. Shout: *Still worn out*…Who wants to get out of the house for a while? And possibly eat? Shiro: I dreamt of eating my legs… Shout: I dreamt of eating your legs! *Cuts to Mujoe in bar* Mujoe: Oh listen to my woes, electric eel lady. Mama: I’ll hear ‘em all, honey. BLLGHAGHGHRGAHGHA Mujoe: Look at me, Mama. I used to be young. Tight. Firm. Big and in your face. Now I can’t even hold my own weight. Mama: Is it the Jetters again, Mujoe? Mujoe: Every time I get embarrassed by those Jetters kids...well...I feel like I should just tuck in and forget it's there anymore... Mama: Confidence? Mujoe: Yeah, why not. Mama: I bet it’s nothing a drink on the house won’t fix. Mujoe: Did you regurgitate this yourself? Mama: BRGHLGRGRHHAGHA Mujoe: You’re so good to me, Mama. Mama: BLACHGH. *Cut to Mole on TV* Mole: Why yes, this is the last pickaxe of its kind in the universe! Arnold: Um, aren’t you worried about saying that, knowing the Hige Hige Bandits could be listening right now? Mole: Heh heh heh he- w-what?! Mujoe: *Runs out* Too late, sucker! Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob Mama: Door’s the other way, Hun. Mujoe: *Polite* Thank you… *Cuts to Jetters in the ship* Ein: Listen minions! We had to make certain cutbacks on the ship, so no seatbelts, no hyperjumps, and no complaining! Shout: My control panel is drawn on. Shiro: I’m sitting on a Russian… Birdy: And don’t get me started on bees. Ein: What’d I say about complaining?! –Is what I’d say if I could hear you, but your intercom is gone too… Hey, who else hates their job? This guy~! Birdy: We better leave before he starts crying. *Cosmo Jetter launches, Cut to Jetters teleporting in* Birdy: Oh man… Shiro: What is it? Birdy: A man with no corners. You're not very smart, Shiro. Shout: No, look! It’s the Hige Hige Bandits! Deep One: Hm? *Points* …Look at that. Mujoe: Hm? Hige? Mujoe: Oh great! The TVs a snitch! Alright. *Deep sigh* Let’s bring out our secret weapon. *Door Opens* Top Bomber: Guru guruuuu~ Mujoe: Go the fuck away!!! Top Bomber: …I love youruru- *Door closes* Mujoe: Alright men, we’re on our own. Time to start digging! *Drill Jetters launch* Gangu: Drill Jetters, go! Bongo: I think I see a door, Bongo. Gangu: Adventure, awaaaay! *Cut to Shout and Shiro drilling through ground* Shiro: I don’t feel so good. Might have been the can I ate. Shout: Are you really Mighty’s brother…? Shiro: Sorry, I can’t hear over the sound of my insides rusting. Shout: You’ve been whining since we left. Shiro: Look, can we just finish this job and get our home back? Shout: *Catty* Oh, who died and made you leader, huh? Shiro: My brother. WHOA! *Loud crunch* Shout: …Are you okay?! Shiro: I think *crack* so. *Cut to Mujoe and Higes* Mujoe: *Chant* I say “Mujoe”, you say “Go!” Mujoe! Higes and Deep One: Hige! Mujoe: Try again! Deep One: Hig-! Oh… *Mujoe pulls out iron ring, breaks teeth, throws away* Mujoe: *Chant* I got spirit, yes I do! Dig a hole you lazy jerks! *Cuts to Shout and Shiro, Drill Jetter is pounding wall* Shiro: Oh god, I’m gonna start liking women! I hope I run into a woman soon! …Shout you’re taking too long. Shout: *Angry* Don’t talk to me! I’m busy getting nowhere! Shiro: Sounds like your sex life, *deepest* owned! Shout: *Angry yelling* If you’re gonna be stupid and sexist, go to Bongo and- *Shocked* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Shiro: Blame all the hormones and *Super deep* drilling!! *Drill Jetter starts pounding wall super fast* Shout: *Crescendo* Where are those idiots when you need them?! *Cuts to Bongo and Gangu being randomly washed down a river, sad piano music* Gangu: Ai hav a confeshon. Bongo: What is it, Bongo? Gangu: I dident know wheech way we wah going... Bongo: I have a confession too. Gangu: What is it? Bongo: I already knew, Bongo. Gangu: You dident stop me?! Bongo: Your confidence meant more to me than our success. Gangu: Oh hold mi, duck goreela! *Sobs* Bongo: Oh, ho, ho, Bongo- oh, ho, ho… *Cuts to Higes exhausted* Mujoe: Man it’s cold in here- don’t know why I brought that up. Anyway, plan A of digging after them was a bust, but luckily we can STILL take the elevator! *Shot of elevator, Bomberman Hero menu music is piped in for every shot of elevator* Top Bomber: YOO-HOORURU~! Mujoe: GOD! Stop following me, ass! *Mujoe hops immediately onto the elevator* Top: Guru guru- Mujoe: I hate you. Top: Urururu… *Elevator goes down, Shiro and Shout drill by very fast* Shiro: *Very deep* I love the way whiskey makes my dick burn! Shout: *Scared* Please just put the fire out! *Crash through the wall, Shiro runs out* Shiro: *Still deep* FREEDOM! Shout: *Low* It’s official. I’m a lesbian. Mujoe: *Teasing* Your tool’s in my hand. Shout: *Quack* Wre~? *Pans to Mujoe, Higes and Deep One are giggling* Mujoe: Now it’s my tool. You can’t have it. Stop giggling! Shout: Mujoe!! Mujoe: Oh, banana fuck pudding… Shout: *Angry* I’m no mood to deal with you right now! So just drop the tool- pickaxe and be done with it. Mujoe: Ah, did the widdle girl bweak up with her boyfweind? *Slides in* But seriously, I’m sorry you guys are going through a rough patch. Shout: I don’t need no man! I don’t need no-! Wah…? Mujoe: Wah…? *Shout and Mujoe look away shocked. Shiro: *Deep* AAAA- *high* AAGH! *Little splash* Ahhhh… *Shiro walks up* Shiro: False alarm, guys! It was a kidney stone! Shout: So what? All that crap was for nothing? Shiro: At least I learned a valuable lesson. Isn’t that right guys? Hige! Deep One: Please don’t talk to me. *Punch* OW. *Top Bomber rides down on elevator* Top: *In the distance* IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DURURU? Mujoe: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE…! Well I guess I have to use you now. Top: *Blush* Gu-hu-hu~… Mujoe: Go die for your leader! Shout and Shiro: *Affirmative* Hm! Top: I won’t disappoint youruru-!!! Shiro: Fire bomb. *Top explodes* Top: GURURUUUUU!! Shout: *Evil laugh* He, he, he… Give it up Mujoe. The tool’s in my hands now. Mujoe: Hee-hee! I get why that’s funny now. Shout: What?! Ew, gross! Mujoe: Haha! I stole your innocence; the rarest treasure of them all! Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob! *Shout runs after* Shout: I will lodge this pickaxe in your head! Try to guess which one! Shiro: You know this isn’t the worst mission we’ve had. At least you’re not a cannibal. Mole: Nope! Two weeks sober. Shiro: I’m gonna pretend you said something else. Mole: I don’t pay you to pretend… Get to work, slave… *SIX MONTHS LATER* *Mole hits worker with pickaxe* Mole: Here’s your TWO WEEKS! PAID! VACATION! Bajira: GAH! AGH! AGH-HAGH! My arm is broken in three places! One- AGH! Two-AGH! Three-AGH! Okay it’s four now-AGH! Shiro: *Worried* Shout? Are you at some point going to, I don’t know, maybe, help?! Shout: What’d the Professor say about complaining?! *Insignia beeps* Birdy: Hey guys, when are you coming home? We got your house back like three months ago. It’s mine now. Shout: *Loud groan* At least this was a semi-successful mission. Birdy: By the way, who’s bringing home the ham? Bajira: Twenty-three! Shout: We got it covered. *Cuts to Shout gobbling down ham* Shout: Urmurmurmurmurmurm… Shiro: …We’re horrible people. Shout and Shiro: AH-hahahahaha! Ah-hahahahaha! *Continued laughter as camera pans away from building* Louie: Ru~, ru~! Shiro: Get back here you motherfucker! *Pans crashing* *Credits, song is “Working in the Coalmine” by Devo* *Post-Credits 1* Gangu: Ai wish ai knew tha meening of kuristumas… Bongo: …I wish I learned how to swim, I don’t know about you. *Post-Credits 2* Mujoe: Look, Top Bomber. Can I call you “Top”-Shut up. I’m glad you’re here, but uh…the enemy is actually on another planet. We’re just here doin’ a bit of reconnaissance. And uh, they really need your help out there, so these are the coordinates. Top Bomber: That’s a Nebulululu~! Mujoe: Yeah I know! Weird, ain’t it! Now they need you out there ASAP. Can you do that for me, Champ? Top: Only for youruru! Mujoe: Don’t come back until you’re done! Top: Too-doo-looruru!! Mujoe: GO!!! *Door slides closed* Mujoe: Oh my aching, throbbing…head. Hige- Mujoe: Shut up. Category:Episode Scripts